.......?

how do you get from wanting to feel everything to not being able to feel anything...

emptiness is surrounding me...how do I get back IN???

so Im finally going to reunite w/G after 10 yrs.

we are going to meet up in Quebec.  I wanted to go to Vermont but since we both have not been to Quebec, he thought it would be nice to discover it together.  We plan to go the first week of May.  I cant wait. Im hoping that this will be the start of a wonderful and lasting relationship.  He is my ideal lifelong mate.  I truly believe that he is the one I could marry and its not like me to even say THAT word.

One day it just hit me.  He said he has been waiting this whole time for me to say all of this which is really hard to believe but we will see.  Im starting to see that we are very compatible.  So if this all works out, I will be moving to Connecticut.  My mother is not pleased at all with this because all she is thinking is about herself.  But I have not been happy ever and I need to do this.  Its time I think about myself and be happy for a time.  To try and have a somewhat normal life for a change.  I want to give love and be loved to the fullest without any barriers and this person is willing and wanting.

thank you god and everyone else.......

please have a safe and wonderful 21st birthday kimi!

I love you.

janna

well, I cant believe it but after 10 yrs G still cares for me even tho we havent been in a relationship w/ eachother and we are so far apart geographically.  I think we might give it a chance.  Im really scared.  I feel like a teenager again!  I guess its because I havent felt love for a very long time.  Ive been in loveless relationship for over 7yrs now and its about time I live again.....

to be continued...

well, last friday I finally broke up with T.  After seven yrs, he didnt want to and was upset but tonight we finally sat down and calmly talked about the fact that we are not positive influences for eachother and therefore we cannot grow.

I do love him but he just isnt ready for the what I need in my life.  He has much to learn and discover.

Talking to an old boyfriend online the day beforehand made me wake up and realize all of the mistakes/lessons to be learned that I was doing in all of them. 

I also realized that most likely Gerson IS the one for me and that I have to give this connecticut move a serious thought and chance if I still have it.  Im really scared to be so vulnerable but I have to have hope if I ever want to find the love that I want.

If this all works out with G, than I will have the opportunity to be married again and maybe start a family. That is a very emotional subject for me because I had wanted that when I was pregnant w/Kimiko and with her birthfather.  And I felt that after I gave her up for adoption, that I had no right to ever want or try to have more children.  I guess I will leave it up to faith and hope that therapy will give me the answers.

Wondering........

why does it seem like everyone is a cheater? one of my single girlfriends is involved with a married man, one loves to flirt and hang out with married or taken men but cant find "the" single guy for herself and here I try to be good and it does nothing for me!

Im going nuts.....

help

well, I had to put monkey to sleep on valentine's day. the vet said that he could give her a steroid injection so that I could take her home and say my goodbyes to her and bring her back in the morning but I couldn't do that to her or myself. I think we would both suffer more.  She was struggling to breath; the cancer spread to her lungs.  Of course its not the same around here without her.  I sometimes catch myself calling boz or patrick her name accidentally or thinking about her.  I know that patrick senses somethings wrong and missing even tho all he did was be mean to her but I dont think bozley knows.  he's too spoiled to notice.  its all about him. lol.

He's keeping me busy enough not to cry too much about monkey.  I miss her tho.  I know that fuzzy and annie are protecting and hanging out with her like they did when they were here.  she was very picky about her animal friends but she was the most friendly, trusting and talkative cat there was.  She even liked me to hold her hands and snuggled right up against my neck or face and slept.  Sometimes on the top of my head when it was really cold and under the covers like a person right inside your underarm.

and yesterday I found out that bozley needs another surgery on his other hind leg.I'm always "blessed" with the animals that have physical issues.  I guess its because Im the kind of person who will take care of the problem even if I cant afford it rather than putting them to sleep or not caring. 

It just seems like this year is starting with endings.  For my best friend and her girlfriend, my other friend and her fiance` and now me and tommy.  I dont know how much longer we can take eachother.  Im really going to have to work on myself and take that big step and leave him and be on my own once again.........

This weekend in vegas with the girls will be very good for me.

Happy Valentine's Day Kimiko.

I love you very much.  I dont know if you are even reading any of these entries, disgusted by it or what but I hope the one thing that you do truly know for sure is that I really love you very much and think about you every single day.  I always have......

j

 Im sittin at home watching dangerous beauty on superbowl sunday because my migraine is keeping me from going out on this nice day off.  Im pretty drugged up w/my meds that dont seem to be helping too much at the moment but only making me very drowsy.  Anyways,  this movie is making me sad as well as remind of the passion that I used to think of when a few yrs back......

Passion was one of my weaknesses.  I think as a little girl all I ever dreamed of is meeting a man who I would live my life with and we would take care of each other and love each other and that was all we would need.  I wanted the little house in the prarie love.  I didnt need anything else.  All else would fall into place.

I loved to escape into all of the old love stories on tv. My favorite character was  was Sandra Dee.  She was so innocent and refreshing; a sucker for dangerous men in the real world.

Well, even though Im not w/"E" anymore, I must say that we always did have THAT passion.  I think we came together at a time when we really needed someone.  We came from similar backgrounds.  Both parents were alchoholics and our father's weren't there for us.  He and I were both sarcastic, witty, stubborn, and passionate.The only problem is that we got serious too young.  I was only 14 1/2 but physically way too mature for my age. I think I started my period at age 10 and was the second girl in school to develop.  I also had a high sex drive.  Probably partly due to my dysfunctional upbringing.  My father took me to his workplace often and it always made me feel uncomfortable being around all those old drunk men sitting at the table in the dark bar taking to me inapproprietly.

E and I had the best sex ever. We had no inhabitions at all.  We explored a lot. We were a perfect match in that dept.  Even tho Michael who will always be my most incredible love, the sex wasnt the same. Michael was incredible in a totally mental way. I will always yearn for what I had with Michael.  Even tho' sex is a requirement for my relationships, the love and passion that I had with Michael is what I always dreamed about.......

I need to continue this another time...my meds are making me completely drowsy. 

I was born the youngest of 3.  My sister is the oldest and is the motherly type, my brother (bless him) is the typical middle child syndrome, and me, Im the baby of the family and marked as the brat.  I never thought I was although I did feel that my mother favored me and my father favored my sister.  That leaving my brother all alone and thus he physically beat me up all the time throughout our childhood and was mentally and physically a very hurt and angry boy but actually grew up to be a very hard working, honest, caring person but still has a lot of issues and is partly why he is still single.  I love and worry about him dearly even tho' we feared his anger ALL the time in our house.  Even my mother as he became a teenager was afraid of him because he got tall and started lifting weights and got into boxing.  Too bad he didnt make a career of that.  Anyways ( I tend to get side-tracked very easily and can go on forever so pls forgive me or just scroll..lol), my mother was a beautiful young lady and my father about 12 yrs older married her and they had my sister.  My father was a bartender at the local bowling alley that all the JA's hung out at.  He was an alchoholic and ever since I can remember, he would come home late around 3am everyday drunk and start a fight with my mother and she would be holding me in her arms ( I was a baby then) probably partly as protection and all they did was argue and yell at eachother until he finally went to the bedroom and went to sleep. I always pretended I was asleep, closing my eyes as tightly as I can while they yell at eachother w/ me in between them.  She and I both slept in the living room on the couch.  I had a crib and bed in my room that I shared with my sister but I think my mother smothered me w/love to fullfill the pain she was going thru.  So I grew up sleeping on the long couch w/ her until I was a young girl.  I think we usually slept at opposite ends.  Talk about dysfunctional.  My sister worshipped my father. He thought she could do no wrong and thought the total opposite of my brother and me for some unknown reason. I totally feared my father.  He was a very cocky and sarcastic character.All of his friends in those days had nicknames and his was "lobster" because he got so red when he drank.  I remember growing up with the bags that crown royal come in.  Go figure that crown is my favorite hard liquor.  I started with those gross liqour store "club" brand mixed drinks at age 14 -1/2.  Thats when I started dating my first real boyfriend who became the birthfather of my baby and yrs later my husband.  He would buy me the strawberry daquiries and whisky sours.  He was able to buy liqour because he had a moustache and looked old enough.  He was 17.

anyways, back to my father.  I hate to admit it but I inherited my father's sarcasm and tend to playfully pick on the one's I love like he did.  As I got older, my sister was always the one who took care of us because my mother worked fulltime at the bank and my father worked nights so my sister basically babysat us after school and made meals and cleaned for us. My brother did his own thing and I took on the role of "thinking" that I was to take care of everyone mentally as in take away their pain. I thought that if I suffered for them, it would lessen their pain.  I guess a lot of children do that when they see their parents unhappy.  Its a big burden for children to think they have to feel that way or go thru that but Im glad I went thru what I did because I think it has made me a more caring person today.  I remember I cried EVERY night at bedtime and prayed to God pleading him to take away the pain of my mother and give it to me because I was strong enough to take it.  She also always told me that God listen to especially me because Im so special and when you hear that all the time, you start to really believe that.  She would always tell me, pray and ask God to get us home (because the gas tank was on empty) because he'll answer YOUR prayer.  Can you believe what pressure my mom (not intentionally meaning to) put on me? lol.  Well, it always seemed that we made it home.  So yeh, I guess he grant me my wishes...or some of them at least.

ok, I think this will be enough for now.  I hope this wasnt too boring.

I will try to continue tomorrow.

thank you for reading this and I love you very much Kimiko...I really do.

j

ok, this whole blog thing is for my birth daughter that I had just about 21 yrs ago.

I want to try and leave her alone as far as e-mailing her or calling her and thought that I would let her know that if she ever wanted to know what is going on w/my life, she could always look at this blog and not have to worry about having to talk to me until she is ready to.  So this is probably more for me as a therapy thing but I'm hoping that she'll have at least a bit of interest in wanting to know something about me.

I hope this works and pls hope the best for us....

thank you .....

I had a dream this morning that she had sent my ex (her birth father) a package that had a shirt/uniform ( I dont know what that symbolizes)  with writing on the plastic covering that was supposed to be taken off before it was sent to "us" and it had her angry thoughts and directions to her friend on how to send it to us and also enclosed packets of condoms referring that we should've used them so that we didn't have her(meaning get pregnant and give her up for adoption).  It was a message that she never wanted to met or speak with us and that we've put her thru so much sadness in her life.

This is why Im starting this blog.  I've wanted to do this for years but somehow have always found an excuse to get sidetracked.  Ever since I put her up for adoption I wanted to write her a personal letter explaining everything.  I never did.  Many times I attempted to but couldn't figure out how to start it.  I still don't know the proper way to do it.  I've wanted to start w/ my childhood then go to meeting her birthfather then thought that was too much and thought start w/when she was created but my thoughts are so much faster than my typing and I get flustered and by the time I can write/type everything down, I give up and hope to get inspired another day......

All that I do know is that I may never get the chance to reunite with her in this lifetime but I do want her to know what my thoughts are and have always been.  It is the least I can do for her.  And I also want her to know that I will do anything that I possibly can for her whenever she wants or needs me to.  I AM here for her now.

I love and have always loved her very much. 

ok, my headache is getting much worse and its way too early for me to be awake so I am going to try and go back to my escape...zzzZZZzzz....

why is this page so dark?? purple? it gives me a headache. lol.

it reminds me of my mom's old purple 67 impala that I grew up in and could sleep in the back from head to toe perfectly.  she used to drive so freakn fast.....